writetoyou

i always forget about these things. i guess i dont find it necessary to give a run down of my life day by day, that was middle school shit.

Anyways, since the last time ive updated, wow, EVERYTHINGS changed. Me and mark are back together, which i couldnt be happier about. Everything is great this time around, I think that small time apart made us realize how much we need eachother. Im completely in love with him, and its honestly the greatest feeling inside. Seriously,im getting tears in my eyes right now, good ones, its amazing. Yeah, he might not be your typical guy who kisses me on the forhead and leaves me cute comments, but thats why i love him, hes so different-no one could EVER be as special to me as he is. Its been almost a year :D

I got accepted into DCAD and got a scholarship, but ive been doubting it every day. I love the city, but not wilmington, i would NOT wanna drive there everyday and waste an hour trying to park. And that school is totally not worth all the stress I would go through. I would understand if it was the top art school in the country, but its not..and I dont see myself being happy there. I think im going with Cecil College in MD, yeah its a cheap shitty college, but ive heard from alot of people their photo program is amazing, and its 6,000 a semester compared to 15,500. BIG price difference. It sounds fucked up but id rather not go to an amazing college and have myself look so good for having this "awesome college" on my record. I just wanna be happy, doing what i love doing, and somehow making a career out of it..that is ALL.

Friends have been coming and going..there still a part of me, its just that they drift off and somehow strangely come back. The only one thats remained nuetral is Tesla, but sometimes I honestly think Im not good enough. I dont satisfy her need for constantly wanting to have the most amazing time, but i try my best to be a good friend. Im kind of a failure at that, but oh well.

Everything else is whatever...finding a job sucks. And having a job but not working for a month sucks even more. Hopefully someone will call me back and i`ll be bringing in some sort of cash soon. i REALLY want my flash, thats the first thing im getting once my finances are straightened out. My new camera has been nothing but amazing, i love shooting with it, and about 75-80% of my pictures have been coming out realllly good...i just need some work. And Bills been such an amazing help with everything, thats my buudddd.

I know i skipped alot between november and now, but honestly, its been good and thats all I care about.

DCAD visit today. SO boring, but my portfolio review was AMAZING, i love Ron he seems awesome. It couldnt have went better, and that made me happy. but im not too sure about the school....ohhhh college.

well, things DIDNT work out the way i wanted them to, but thats ok. I know some guy out there has to like a fun,respectable,nice girl rather than an asshole. I just DONT get it, guys make such mistakes in the choices of girls they make. Its almost like they enjoy being misserable, because they chose the ones that make them feel that way. For once I want a guy to realize im not like every asshole girl out there..and that id give my heart to make you happy. I guess by not saying im a whore and ill give it up in a week... counts me out. fuck society.

Besides that, lifes been amazing, I dont think ive ever been happier. Im meeting more and more people and hanging out with people i never imagined, which is good,cause i like change. Its like the older days when i had such a variety of friends, i loved that. The past few weekends have been awesome, lets hope it stays this way =)

Ugh, one thing im completely worried about and i DONT know why is trying out for all-state chorus. I dont know, its like somedays i feel like i suck and other days i feel like ive come such a long way from being a squeeky 7th grader. Its hard because i dont enjoy singing anymore, but another side of me tells me i like it and to keep going with it...i dont know, im done it this year i guess im trying to make the best of it.

So my mom says last night "oh by the way you have to have your portfolio ready by sunday for open house monday" Oh.cool. My shitty ass pictures that theyre gonna laugh at me for...awesome..looking forward to NOT getting into college.

thats about it, ill update later i guess.

it seems like my life works in the same way ALL the time.

i find something GREAT and something comes along to ruin it all. but this time im being positive and know everythings gonna work out in my favor.

i have so many more things going on for me,and thats a big step to say that about myself because i usually think the total opposite.im glad ive been keeping my head up, its been one of the hardest things ive had to do lately, but im slowly progressing.

besides that, this weekend was good, i went up to brits in reading,PA. the show saturday night was really good, got some decent pics. ronnies band is getting so fucking good, im so proud of them you can tell they work really hard.myself my enemy was realll sick. i was supposed to see waking the cadaver tonight but ahhh long story. =(

so thats about all.
=)

today was good, i reallllly like him :)

was amazing..in its own little way. it was somewhat uneventful,but i had an awesome time.

friday:worked till 9, picked zakk up..we came back to my house but it was like a freakin sauna,
sooo hot, our air is broken,of course. So we decided to go back to his house..it was great-we
watched beavis and butthead and just chilled, which is my definition of a good time lol.

saturday:worked 8-3, went by SOO fast..afterwards i got a shower,got ready and picked zakk up once
again :) we got taco bell,went back to my house,layed around until about 8 and then went to tylers bonfire.
we both felt kinda akward there so we left and went back to my house again.waited for awhile,and headed
to shawns bonfire, it was good i got to see everyone and whatnot.afterwards we met boone and tesla at
waffle house and had some good laughs. came home at like 2 and went to bed right after, i was sooo beat.

im really starting to like zakk, which is weird, because ive never fallen for someone THIS fast.
we hung out maybe 4 times now? and i already fell for him, i dont know theres just something
different about him, i have alot of fun with him even if were doing nothing, and thats a good feeling.
he just gives me a good feeling inside. :)

anyways-hopefully its a good week,and im sure i`ll update later.

=]

so today was pretty swell, just not in the morning.

we had over a 3 hour homeroom today, SO pointless, and i left after it,
whats the point in staying in school for just chorus? none whatsoever.

afterwards i picked zakk up and met tesla somewhere.
we all went to main st. and got amazing fries from the diner :]
i can def. see an awesome friendship in the making..

anyways, im off to bed..im beat

honestly, i hate these things, its almost like myspace,but in fuller detail..its like if you write in this every day, everyone knows your every move, and i font feel thats necessary, but i figured id start writing this, just to look back on some stuff.

Lately, things have been looking up SO much, life is better than ever and thats all & everything i could ever ask for. Ive been so completely happy and in such a good mood everyday. And its weird-youd think after a breakup with your first love, youd be a complete wreck, but that proves how fucked up that relationship was. I honestly cant believe i held on for 6 months thinking he really cared about me and wanted to be with me. Its SO true when they say 'love is blind'. I shouldve known things werent right and never would be, but i loved and cared for him so much i didnt want to just give up on him, i figured he deserved a chance to prove me wrong, but he didnt. I was hoping to still be friends but after witnessing and finding some things out, it makes me so angry and not even want him in my life at all..

Besides the point, ive been having a great time, i havent been home for a full day in probably a month, and it feels great. No more sitting around and moping.I have the greatest friends in the world, some old and some new.

So heres the rundown for the long weekend i just had, which was grrreat.

Wednesday & Thursday night: worked and completely forgot what i did afterwards.

Friday-girrrls night with Cindee & Courtney, i love those girls. The night started off as driving all the way up to concord pike for a party...did someone say party? nahh. cause it was def. lameeee haha. Then we went to main st,walked around, got FREEZING so we stopped at the diner for some hot chocolate,pretty much everyone and their mother was in that place. Afterwards cindee ran into some people we knew and we went to a party at an apartment right on main st.it was crazy, as SOON as i walked in, someone bumped into me..and HEY it was bobby! haha . We only stayed there for a few minutes cause there was tons of people and it was sooo hot. stood outside and talked to some guys for a bit, left drove around trying to find skid row, no luck. so on our way back to courts, we saw like 329578945 cop cars and firetrucks so we decided to sit in a parking lot and be nosey aah, it was like 4th of july all over agian.hahaha.went back to courts, decided to try and find skid row again, FOUND IT ! went there, it was soo whack, there was a bunch of drunk hippies, apparantley all my friends were inside the one house, that we almost went into haha. wawa at 3:30 am and sleeeepover, it was much fun.

Saturday- worked, got out 2 hours early. Got ready for megans 21st bday party, went there. saw some people i havent seen in YEARS and saw all my other good friends :) me and court got reaaaal bored so we decided to bounce and get food. HAHA funny story, you had to be there..we got pizzaU, sat in my car and ate it, and while doing so, a cop pulls up next to the car parked in front of us, they start looking around and shit, me and courney got curious so we rolled down the windows and listened,we couldnt really hear what they were saying so we called the guy over who owned the car[which was extreeeemely cute] and i asked him what happened. apparantly he got jumped by like 30 white gangsters and he was getting in trouble for it, why? because cops only care if youve been drinking, not if you were close to death and getting beat up.stupidddd. so haha-got his number..and he actually texted me yesterday! so hopefully ill see him this weekend.went home at 2 am and got followed all the way to my garage,fun stuff.

Sunday-watched the outlanders practice for a bit, chilled with those guys while waiting for tesla. picked her up-went to main st, got pizza,laughed laughed laughed. love it. went to her house, came home, matt came over, went to bed.

AHH! i talked to the new kid zakk for like 2 hours on AIM last night, hes fucking awesome, i figured hed be cool :)
we have plans to pretty much hang out this whole weekend haha,wordddd looking forward to it.

anyways-wow, that was alot..if you read it all..awesome, you must be bored lol.

things have been pretty good. 

I got fucked over, once more-but its ok because this time it didnt hurt. I really think im just amune to the feeling of guys screwing me over, honestly. It seems like each time it happens, it hurts less and less. So basically, the whole time Greg supposively "liked me so much" and was all over me making out with me all day 2 weeks ago-the whole time..he had a girlfriend..yeah asshole. When i found out, i just laughed because thats all I can do. I cant get upset, I realized crying and being hurt is a total waste of fucking time. I want to be happy every possible moment because lifes so damn short you dont even notice how fast it goes.

Besides that, my night photography class has been going well, i learned ALOT. I have two more classes left and then im done sadly. I have to put together my portfolio tonight and pick 2 pictures for some exhibits. As far as the class in school, i still have to work on my film project..taking pictures of cars-how exciting. I swear that class is such a waste, but it`ll look good for college since i am going for that. Im looking forward to the summer week program at DCAD =)

As far as Mark goes, wow- it would really complete me if we were together. I havent actually had a boyfriend in two and a half years, ive only "talked" or "dated" people, and it lasted such a short time. He is seriously one of the most amazing people i know and have ever met. I wish he wasnt so down on himself, because he has so much going for him-hes extremely talented, makes me laugh like no other, is goofy as hell, and so damn cute on top of that...thats basically everything i look for in a guy. I understand he doesnt want to mess anything up because of Ryan and my family, atleast he respects them. I told him I wasnt going anywhere-and im not. Yeah, people say 'well you shouldnt wait around for him, you should be seeing other guys', kinda doesnt work like that. Even the whole time i was with greg, i thought about mark..he`s one of those people that dont leave my mind and will ALWAYS have a place in my heart, i could never just completely give up on him, i have way too much hope. Hopefully everything works out.

As far as my friends go, i dont think i could be any less satisfied. I truely believe I figured out my REAL friends. Last year and the year before i had tons of friends, i never was alone in school, i had a group around me walking through the halls,at the lunch tables, and at football games. Lately, its been different..i walk to most classes alone and i sit with maybe 4 people at lunch, but im okay with that because i know those few people are the ones that count and the ones that really mean everything to me. I cant believe i hung out with such fake people and completely ditched my real friends last year to go to parties every weekend. its totally out of character for me, but I guess thats just a part of growing up. I honestly dont care for 95% of people in that school, not including Tesla,Lindsay,Alex,Ashley,Brittany,Nate and a select few others. I love them to death.

I couldnt thank Tesla & Mollie enough for their friendship, theyre like my fucking blood sisters. I met them at the perfect time, that time when i felt like everything was falling apart and it wouldnt get any better-but they helped pick up the pieces, and i appreciate it so much. everytime im with them, it just makes me realize that everything will be ok. lifts my head up. thank you girls =) i cant wait for this summer and every other day.

And Lindsay, its been almost 11 years and im SO SO SO glad we still have eachother. Here and there we have our issues but we always come out strong. You`ll always be my best friend no matter what.


i guess thats it for now, i think i wrote enough =)

i really dont think they understand how much they hurt me sometimes, honestly. ok, i can be lazy and not help around the house alot-but does that really give them a reason to scream at me for an hour and a half and have me in a emotional breakdown, i dont think so. my dad called me a fucking cunt, which i usually dont get offended by--but my dad saying it !??! hell no. he really crosses the line-he talks to me like im some hood rat off the fucking street. they say im never going to pass high school- but does a's b's and c's sound like failing to you ?? NO. i try, i go to school every day just wanting to do my best and get the hell out of high school, because im so damn excited about college. i dont perposely get bad grades just so my parents can open the report card and get upset, its NOT like that.


i gotta go-ill finish later

I really think i`ve had about 4 of these not including other online journals in the past but stopped using them. It might sound stupid, but these things help-just releasing everything, even if its only about your day.

Lately things have been going pretty much how i`ve wanted them to be. I dont think i could survive without my friends, especially the few i have left. They know who they are. As far as the whole guy situation, i still have feelings for mark, i just no longer have hope, and thats ok-were friends and im fine with that. I`ve been talking to this guy-Greg. I really  cant put into words as to how much he amazes me. seriously, i never though a guy could make me smile just from a simple text message on my phone, but he manages to do it well. Hes in the army, and he barely gets to talk but when he does-he takes the time out to talk to me..and everyday i look forward to it. 

Greg (9:54:35 PM): You make me happy. Like happy enough i dont want to kill people when i talk to you.

im just afraid to start anything with him because i dont think i could bare to not see him for long periods of time, if something were to become of us. But then again, my mom was around my age when she met my dad-he was in the navy-and theyve been married for over 20 years, crazy huh?

I`ve been taking photography classes at night and i really enjoy them. Even if i do sit in a metal chair in a cold room for an hour and a half listening to an old guy talk the whole time, it still really opens my passion for it. It really motivates me to go further with my career, which im DEF. doing. I plan on going to DCAD in the fall after i graduate, i cant express how excited i am-especially to get out of middletown [which i hate with a fiery passion, dont try to prove me wrong] and go to school for something i REALLY want to do. No more bullshit math classes or foreign languages, none of that-art art and more art. love it.live it.

anyways- todays mollies 17th bday =) unfortunatley i didnt get to chill with her, but we`ll def. make up for that soon.

im really tired, sooo...bed time =)